the best part about being alone

Spiders. Clowns. Serial killers. None of those scared me as much as being alone. It’s a touch ironic, as I am an only child, so much of my time is unavoidably spent alone.

The roots of being alone
But that’s not the kind of alone I’d go to great lengths to avoid. It’s the alone at lunch, alone when the teacher says “Pair up!”, the alone of being the 3rd person on the sidewalk.

When I was younger, I’d “settle” for people I didn’t genuinely like, just to avoid being seen as a loner, someone who was incapable of making friends.

Why was this instinct so conditioned into me? Why did being seen alone by my peers sound like such a cruel and unusual punishment? I still can’t figure it out, that hasn’t changed.

What has changed, are my feelings about doing things on my own, and being seen alone. I enjoy it more, and it’s something I look forward to after a grueling, long week.

When else am I going to be able to stop and smell the roses? To stop and appreciate the view for just the right amount of time? To sit in my room, in a comfy shirt and no bra?

Wearing: Forever 21 Tan Top (similar), PacSun Bullhead Denim boyfriend jeans (similar), Vans Classic Slipons, Nordstrom Rack stone bracelet (similar)

The benefits
Actually, I digress. The things I look forward to doing on my own are entirely possible to do with someone as well. The right person and not just anyone, of course. It’s just something I haven’t found the perfect fit for yet, in our society that is always looking to the next 6 seconds, the next photo, eternally scrolling.

The other day, I had an itch to do something. None of the usual suspects were available, so I decided to go ahead at it alone. And I enjoyed myself, maybe even more so than if I had someone with me.

When you’re alone, all the little things pop out. It’s like someone’s turned up with clarity, the saturation, the brightness. You watch strangers, and mark out small quirks, spinning out a story. You can turn inward, and reflect on happenings. There’s no need to fill space with conversation.

It's something we should all try at one point. So this week, grab a bite to eat alone, and don't stay glued to your phone the whole meal. Sit at the park with a book and a drink. Or for the more daring, see a movie by yourself.

See where it takes you!

Do you like being alone or with others more? What's the best thing to do alone? With someone else?

xx
Angelina

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a word I hate

Lots of things drive me up the walls. Humble bragging, not saying "please" or "thank you", and backhanded compliments are some of them. But there is one word in particular that stands out:

"Sometime".

Where I hear it

It frequently comes up when making plans with others; "Yeah, I'd love to sometime". Okay, when is this, "sometime"? I understand using it as a polite way to decline, I'd do that as well. But I can't help but think that it shows a certain degree of indifference, like you haven't bothered to check your schedule, or are shelving in the back of your mind for a second choice.

Of course, taken out of context, my vendetta against the word seems a bit extreme.

Does it benefit you?
I believe that if you'd like to do something, whether it be seeing an old friend, finishing a project, or getting anything done really, tacking on the word "sometime" allows you to put it off even more.

Because when you don't assign a specific time frame to something, you can't hold yourself accountable for doing it. I said I was going to do my laundry sometime, and so what if I didn't do it today? Tomorrow still counts as sometime too.

Then, it can just drag on and on, where you start to reason with yourself, "Well, if I've made it this far without doing it, maybe it's not essential anyways."

But whatever it was, you wanted to do it for some reason! Things don't just stick in our heads just because; they benefit us or those we care about in some way. So really, you owe it to yourself or your close circle, to get on it.

What to do about it
Instead of saying sometime, assign a time frame. It doesn't have to be a date, but "next Friday", "when I get my paycheck", or even "before I retire" would work.

This summer, my list of "sometimes" includes: getting rid of 80% of the clothes I don't want, finishing my sketchbook, and regularly working out. I'm happy to say I've made progress on all of them!

What does your list of "sometimes" include? Do you find yourself using it to put things off as well? How do you avoid procrastination?

xx
Angelina

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what's in a name?

That which we call a rose/By any other name would smell as sweet.

For a long time, I had trouble really taking this to heart.

My name was the first thing people noticed about me, the strangeness, how foreign it sounded. They couldn't figure out my gender based solely on it, and when teachers would take roll, frequently they'd call me by my last name.

It made me uncomfortable, to say the least. In middle school, I handed out little slips on the first day of school, saying, "Hello, my legal name is Zhiyi, but I go by Angelina. Thanks!"

I followed these with additional slips the next class, as a reminder: "In case you forgot, Zhiyi goes by Angelina". I was very thorough in making sure my classmates would never find out my Chinese name, because they would undoubtedly ask me about it.

I slipped up, and "Zucchini" became a popular nickname that year.

Wearing: J Crew striped silk tee (similar), Lush envelope soft pant (similar), Sam Edelman Felicia flats

Most people curiously ask how to pronounce it, and I simply tell them, "It's Angelina". I had this one teacher who would not let it go however, and interrogated me in front of the class. I was absolutely mortified, and I just wanted to sink into a puddle where no one would notice me.

It isn't that I'm ashamed of my heritage. It's just rare that anyone is able to pronounce it correctly, including other Asian people.

I was afraid, and sometimes still am, that what's on the surface will be the only thing people notice about me. I feel as though it will create a divide between myself and my peers, and emphasize the differences. Differences and diversity, of course, is a good thing, but it can also scare some people.

I'm someone who can't survive without friends, but simultaneously, it can be hard for me to initiate things.

Photography by Serina

It's all part of an ongoing struggle on my identity. I'm not a Chinese person from China, nor an American who grew up here. I'm Chinese-American. And I'm still figuring out what that means to me.

Do you have an "unusual" name? Have you ever felt like an outsider because of your heritage? How do you feel about your ethnicity?

xx

Angelina

In response to "Woes of Having an Unusual Name" by Noor Unnahar.

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p.s. - I'm currently traveling for spring break, and will be back in mid April. See you then! (:

amplified existence - "big magic" book review

When a book comes out with an aesthetically pleasing cover, you get it, if not just for blog props. When said book is about creativity, and is written by Elizabeth Gilbert, it's an even better reason to get it!

While I definitely judged Big Magic by its cover, I was not disappointed in the least.

An overview
Gilbert separates the aspects of creativity into 7 parts: Courage, Enchantment, Permission, Persistence, Trust, and Divinity. Within each part, there are mini "chapters", a few pages long at most. She includes personal anecdotes, as well as stories of other creatives.

The way it was written is startlingly readable and fresh. It does technically fall into the category of "self help", but it had none of the sappy, easy to predict advice I'd expected. But I mean, we are talking about the woman who wrote Eat Pray Love...

"Hey Liz..."
It feels as though she is actually sitting there, talking you through how to be more creative - something we've all tried to do at some point. And it's not from her high up stoop as a successful and published writer, it's from the passenger seat. It's the kind of book that gives you tingles in your toes, and itches in your fingers, the kind of book that makes you get in your car and drive to new places.

I actually developed my own routine with this book; it became my constant companion while I was wandering through its creamy, white pages. I'd plunk the book on my desk, and ravenously devour a couple of chapters. Then I'd pause, make my way downstairs for a cup of tea, letting Gilbert's ideas really sink in.

Inspiration is fickle
Her ideas are like nothing I've ever heard before about creativity. For her, inspiration is a live being, a spirit who travels through the universe, like a nature spirit or nymph. It'll come to you if it senses openness and a willingness to try new things, but it won't wait around forever. Sometimes it'll come and drop an idea in your head, but the idea just won't be compatible with you. This idea might wait around, or it could pack its bags and head over to someone else.

After a few chapters, I'd sit and let inspiration come to me. Surprisingly, it was quite willing. I'd had a previous habit of denying its ideas quickly, judging them on the spot, and over time, inspiration would only peek out from around a corner. But after Big Magic, I welcomed whatever idea it was willing to throw to me, and I went with it.

Wearing: Topshop cropped sweater (similar), Lush envelope soft pant (similar), BP. teardrop necklace (similar), VANS white slip on

It was a novel experience, having ideas flow quickly and endlessly. I didn't question anything, I just took pleasure in the simple act of putting pencil to paper, and used that as my validation, rather than how "good" my art turned out. And it ended up turning out better than anything I'd created before.

A day in the city
I rarely venture up to the city, but when I do, it's a day of adventure and new sights. This was my first time at Baker Beach; I can see why it's such a popular tourist site. One of my favorite parts about San Francisco, and cities in general, is the wide range of people there. There is so much creativity and innovation, it's bound to rub off right?


The takeaway
Elizabeth Gilbert is wise. I love what I've been able to do since, just keeping these ideas in the back of my head (inspiration is always at the front of the table as thanks):

*Don't turn inspiration away, even if you don't like what it's telling you
*Take pleasure in creating art, not just the art itself
*Some ideas may not be right for you; thank them and let them go
*Don't be a "starving artist", love your art and it will love you
*Treat you art like an affair - you can definitely make time for it everyday
*Fear is healthy, to a certain extent

Without a doubt, this is a book well worth your time. And really, it's not just because of the pretty cover.

Have you read Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert? What's your take on living creatively? Where do you get inspiration from?

xx
Angelina

p.s. I've got more book reviews! Books by strong women or art/photography/fashion books.
p.p.s. here's a more creative piece I wrote and really liked. it's on idealization, and how I feel about it. let me know what you think of it!

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photography by Serina

2016: looking back and ahead

The first few days of a new year are always a bit disorientating for me.

On one hand, I want to savor the past, look back on what I learned - hindsight is always 20/20. On the other, I want to look forward, become the person I've always wanted to be, make this year the one I finally achieve my goals.

So here's a little bit of both.

Since we've all surely been inundated with "best of" and roundup posts, I'll keep this short and sweet.

What I'm proud of:
1. Finally starting my blog! It was an idea that I kicked around a bit, and I'm glad I did it. It gave me purpose when I was feeling down, and I've learned so much, just sitting at my computer and clicking away, both about myself and how things work in other places.

2. Getting better at some resolutions I made a couple of years back. Being more fit is a common resolution for many, and I'm starting to make good on that - better late than never. I'm also sketching more, and not being as harsh on my appearance as I used to be.

3. Holding myself accountable financially, and generating more of an income through photography. I've always loved shopping, which creates a sizable dent in my wallet, but this year, 40% of what I spent was directly from the money I've made selling my clothes.

Wearing: Cooperative red toggle coat (similar), Zara checkered top (similar), Gap Petite black 1969 legging jean, Sam Edelman Felicia black flats

Improvements to be made:
1. Being more vocal and honest about my thoughts. Both in the class and in my day-to-day relationships, my inner monologue is far greater and richer than what I'll actually say out loud. This has contributed to my being seen as a quiet, Asian girl, which I've tried to rebel against with my hair and becoming more outspoken, but I think there's still a while to go.

2. Being more understanding and empathetic of others. I tend to rush to conclusions, and I don't think about what others are going through as often as I should. I hesitate to be labelled as "nice", because I'm afraid of what that will mean in terms of how others treat me, but I'm trying to find a balance.

3. Living in the now. At each phase in life, there's something unique and special to be experienced. I don't want to rush through the phase I'm at now, just because the next one has promises of a grown-up flat in the city or a cushy job. Not that those are guaranteed anyways!

Things I'm mulling over for the blog:
1. Bringing in other voices. Since April, this blog has been my own space, my personal soap box. But it's more difficult for me to think of what to write about, and I'm hoping to start some collaborations, interviews, and guest posts. Shoot me an email if you're interested!

2. Shorter posts. I tend to write a lot, even when I consciously remind myself not too. So I'm thinking of bringing in a shorter post at the start of the week, and a longer, typical one towards Thursday or Friday.

3. How much personal information I want to share. With connecting online, there's a fine line between wanting to be authentic and real, and needing to be safe. I've only felt comfortable sharing my first name and last initial, my face, and my general location. But I've been thinking about age, and whether that really matters - most people don't assume correctly, and I'm fine with that, but is it a vital part of myself?

I hope everyone's new year has been lovely! What things do you have in store for your blog or life? What do you think about the changes I'm thinking of bringing in?

xx

Angelina

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the past 604,800 seconds

Since I started blogging back in April, this has been the longest break I've taken. It was only a little bit over a week, but it was a huge one for me. 

I haven't been in a great place mentally for a month or so. It's up and down, some days I'll feel normal, and others I'm in the dumps. One of the bright sides of this though, is that I've been thinking a lot. Primarily about happiness, and how to be happier. 

Recent feelings
Most of my unhappy feelings stem from feeling alone. Previously, I wrote a long, angsty post about how I felt, but it didn't feel right to post. It was one of those things where it's therapeutic to write, but after it's done, you don't want to ever look at it again. I'm also a little scared that if I read it, or think about it too much, I'll go back to the negative mindset I was in while writing. 

The short version: I feel like I don't have many friends I truly connect with. I am by no means "antisocial" or "alone", I just don't feel alive and truly happy with the people I interact with on a daily basis. While all are lovely people, I strive for deeper relationships that go beyond asking each other for schoolwork help or for the time. 

I haven't had one of those long talks where you just let everything out and talk for ages in such a long time, and I miss it. 

In my social circles, I feel easily replaced, like an outsider added in as a second thought. While this may not be too terrible for some, it's difficult for me as I used to be part of a tight knit trio, where things I said or what I thought mattered. 

I carried more weight, and I felt like I could depend on my friends. 

It was terrifying. It was difficult for me to snap out of my self-pity funk, and I could barely concentrate on anything. Even getting started or feeling motivated to do anything was more difficult than going outside and voluntarily exercising. 

The only STEM field I'd be interested in
After a considerable amount of moping and tears, I got to being a bit more productive. We'd recently begun discussing psychology in English as prep for a book we're reading, and how the human mind works is fascinating. The chances of my being interested in other analytical fields such as engineering or chemistry are slim, but psychology is a possibility. 

Not just because I want to sit in a comfy chair all day and steeple my fingers while saying "I see. And how does that make you feel?" all day. Although it's tempting. 

When I read about experiments or theories, it's a bit like reading a horoscope. Obviously much more accurate and scientifically grounded though. I can see bits of pieces of the principles and rules in myself or those around me. It's like philosophy, but more tangible and easier to observe. 

My happiness, my rules (how cheesy!)
A slight digression - the Stanford Prison Experiment and the Milgram Experiment truly grabbed my attention, in a horrifying, car crash type of way. I wanted to stop reading about it, and I couldn't believe everyday people were capable of such cruel things, but at the same time, I wanted to know more. I wonder how the Stanford Prison Experiment movie is - if anyone's seen it, let me know.

Anyways, I started thinking about how silly it was to need my happiness to depend on an outside factor, something I can't fully control. I want to have the ability to be independent, in all aspects, and if I need to depend on others for something as basic as my happiness, how could I get through life?

But then, I couldn't think of any solid reasons or ways to achieve happiness from within. It seems like you'd have to be happy about simply being, and that would be a bit of a stretch for me to achieve. At least in the next few months. 

Doing my part
So with a bit of a compromise, I'm going to start actively finding happiness in the smaller things, in the simple things, in the non-human things.

If I don't need to wait around for a Prince Charming, I certainly don't need to wait around for happiness to arrive in an extravagant form. 

I'm also going to try and ask my friends and peers better questions and create more interesting small talk. Sometimes opening up and talking about things can be hard or feel out of place, but I think it's incredibly important to not bottle it up. I would have stayed at my lowest point had I not written about it, though I would have much preferred someone to sit and talk about it with me.

Learning from my recent experience, I want to always be there for people who would rather talk than write. Because if I really wanted to know about the weather, I could just Google it, right?

What next?
While it seems like I've gotten over the worst, I'm not completely myself either. I worry that I'll slip back down, and this time it'll be for longer and the climb back up will be more difficult. 

All of my thoughts above are part of a larger dialogue I've been having with myself about whether I should expect so much from my friends, and if the vision I have of "true friendship" is skewed by pop culture and the sociable personas presented by my peers. It all seems to personal to write about, but maybe I'll put it in my podcast. If I ever get that up and running. 

After the bad and the ugly, finally the good
To end on a positive note, a list of my happy things this week:

1. I got up early at 8am and powered through my checklist. By noon, I'd already finished my English essay, Art History reading, and cleaned up my room. I thought about getting up even earlier, but as I regularly get up at 6 for school, I thought the weekend warranted some rest. 

2. While I was selling photos at a fair yesterday, an incredibly awkward but somewhat attractive guy asked me for my number. I hadn't expected it at all, as I'm still getting over a cold, and a runny, stuffed up nose is not too attractive, but it was a nice pick me up. He actually complimented my laptop, saying it was "very unique and sleek" - it's just a grey Mac Pro!

3. I'm finally back on the blog! I have a few meet ups and photos scheduled, so hopefully you'll be hearing from me more. I'm still gathering ideas though, and would love to hear your input on what you'd like to see next. 

Thank you for sticking with me during the week that just wouldn't end. 

Have you ever felt really low? How'd you get out of it? What are some happy moments of yours? What would you like to see next on the blog?

xx

Angelina

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pssst! the title inspiration? “For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” 

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

what it's like to be an introvert

I've always loved reading my horoscope and taking personality tests, something about seeing my qualities and possible future listed out on paper just seems so interesting to me. With the dozens of personality tests I've taken, I almost always get "Introvert" (possibly just because they never seem to have Ambivert as an option), which seems to have a bit of a negative connotation. But here's what it really means.

It seems that being classified as an introvert isn't a good thing in today's society. We're associated with being antisocial, unable to make friends, or loners. Being able to work well in groups is basically a requirement for doing well in school. But like most stereotypes, there are a few things that should be cleared up.

What being an introvert really means

The definition of being an introvert is something along the lines of enjoying time alone, and feeling tired after being around people too long. Nowhere does it state that introverts have to be quiet, bookish, timid, hesitant, or any other things commonly associated with this trait. 

For me, being an introvert means that I'm perfectly happy staying home alone with a good book, and after a while, I get tired of being "on" around people. Talking to strangers and making conversation is something I can do, and have gotten pretty good at, but I will reach a point where I don't want to talk anymore, simply because it's tiring for me to think of the "right" thing to say. 

Working in groups can be difficult for me, as I often censor what I say to follow the general consensus. Other times, I end up taking a leadership role, because I'm a perfectionist, and always feel like I can do things the best and quickest way. I wish education placed more importance on individual learning, as it's just as important to be able to think and problem solve with no one to bounce ideas off of. 

Introvert or Extrovert? Maybe Ambivert!
Personally, I'm not very comfortable being the center of attention, because I never know how to act. Do I act humble, or is that stuck up to try and down play things (does that even make sense)? Do I smile and enjoy it, or is that arrogant? There are just too many things to think about, and I would rather be in the background.

That's probably an odd thing, given my hair color, and how it stands out. I think it's me wanting to stand out a little, to show people that I'm not that nerdy Asian girl.

Recently, I've been thinking that maybe I'm an ambivert - neither introvert, nor extrovert. I've mentioned that people think I'm quiet to my friends, and they all laugh and say that's not true. But people I don't know well have actually said, "So that's what your voice sounds like", when I talk to them.

Wearing: Glamorous red sweater (similar), American Eagle boy jean (similar), Paprika cat flats (similar).

(A digression) The brightest thing I've ever worn...
Is definitely this sweater! Being an introvert (ish), and not wanting to draw too much attention to myself (usually), I tend to favor neutrals and dark colors. But this sweater was on sale at Urban Outfitters, and I can't resist soft, chunky sweaters.

A funny story about the day we shot this - the week before it was in the high 90s, and disgustingly hot. Come the weekend, it goes down to 70 and it's cloudy, so the first thing I do is go outside and shoot some photos! Definitely the opposite of most people.

I'm also hoping the bright red makes Christmas come sooner!

What to know if you're an extrovert, friends with an introvert

We are the most amazing listeners ever. We (probably) won't interrupt you, even if your rants go on for ages, because we'll be thinking for the perfect thing to say. We'd appreciate if you could do the same for us, though it's understandable that you may want to speak your mind at that moment.

Sometimes we might get a little tired of talking, and silences are almost always comfortable with us. We like long, deep conversations, and look for friends to truly bond with. Once you've passed a certain year with us, we'll likely be lifelong friends (wow, aren't you lucky!!!!).

On the cons side, we may not tell you immediately if something is bugging us, and you might have to fish it out, or interpret body language. This is definitely something I've been working on, though confrontations can be hard!

-end pseudo horoscope like section (did I make you want to gag?).

Some life updates (to conclude this wordy post)

School is definitely in full swing for me now! My favorite class is probably Art History, I feel more educated and high brow just being in that class.

There are several artist types in my class as well, they sit and sketch in class with their leather notebooks, and come to school with impeccable lipstick everyday. Can I just say, goals. 

Do you know if you're an introvert, ambivert, or extrovert? What Myer-Briggs model do you fall into (if you don't know, there is an amazing, free site here)? What do you struggle with in daily interactions?

xx

Angelina

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a little bit of self love

The Bay Area has been having one of those mood swings, weather wise. It can't make up its mind whether it's summer or fall, and as a result, it's sweater weather one day, and the devil's armpit the other. 

I've been caught between two feelings lately as well - sometimes I love my body, and other days I don't. 

I feel like body image is such a relevant thing that most women (and men) experience at some point. We are just bombarded with images and ideas of what the ideals of our time are, and it has been in the media for quite some time now.

For me, I've always accepted and known that celebrities or models are airbrushed and have a giant makeup team as well. I know that they're not "real". Of course, I still wish I had Emma Stone's amazing green eyes, or Alexa Chung's messy chic hair, but for the most part, I've accepted they're pretty unattainable for the average person's budget.

What's really difficult for me, is that many people I know in real life (who definitely do not have makeup teams or limitless budgets) have the body shape that I'd love to have. It just seems like they can wear whatever they'd like, and not have to worry their "flaws". I would spend so long in the mirror every morning, looking from every angle if this outfit made me look fat, and how I could make myself look skinnier. I remember I would sometimes run out of time to eat breakfast, because of how long picking an outfit took.

On the flip side, sometimes I'll just be so happy with how I look and I'll fall in love with how my hips are wide and my thighs are full, how I can get away with not wearing a bra because I have basically no boobs, how tight and firm my waist is (thanks Netflix workouts!).

Wearing: BDG grey tank (similar), Kimchi Blue turquoise bralette, Bullhead boyfriend jeans (similar), BP. white cardigan (similar), Converse.

If you're struggling to love your body, here are a few things that really helped me.

Accepting that the way you look is mostly out of your control

This was pretty important for me, as I always thought if I maybe exercised more, or ate less, I could get the body I wanted. Aside from the fact that not eating as much as you should is torturous and unhealthy, dieting is very hard and doesn't actually keep the weight off, as your body goes into a "starvation mode" and hangs onto every last calorie.

Of course, this doesn't mean don't exercise or eat healthy! Finding your personal balance is a difficult thing, and I'm still in the process of figuring out what works for me, as I don't have the patience to make traditionally healthy food, nor do I really like going to the gym.

Surrounding yourself with positive people
Most people have at least one friend who isn't happy with his or her body, and makes it very clear to everyone in the nearby vicinity. It can get really tiring to be around those types of people, especially because you may feel the obligation to tell them how wrong they are each time they complain about themselves. I'm always caught between wanting to be a good friend, and being slightly unsure if they're truly down about themselves, or just hoping for compliments.

In any case, it does nothing for building up my self esteem. When I'm around people that don't talk about their bodies negatively, or at all, we're much more at ease and happier as well, I've found. I don't completely cut those friends off, I just find myself changing the topic when it turns to lamenting the body they wish they had.

Find what you love about yourself
There is bound to be at least one thing you love about yourself, so focus on that when you're feeling down about other things! For me, it's my lips and my collarbones - I like wearing barely there lipstick, and boatneck tops. I've recently started appreciating my smaller chest - so I can't really dance in a strapless dress, but I can wear pretty bralettes and sleep on my stomach!

bralette, cardigan - bp, tank - bdg, jeans - pacsun, belt - a&f

All in all, I think being okay with who you are is on going process, and there'll be good days and bad days. Here's your cliché of the day - just enjoy the journey. Body image is a huge thing, and I didn't feel that the photos were right for a deeper, "throwing my thoughts out there" type of post, but maybe in the future!

On a side note, I feel as though my content has been a little lacking at the moment, and I apologize for that (especially as I just wrote my "relaunch" post)! I'm sure you've already heard my excuses, but school truly is a huge chunk of time. Counting down the days until Thanksgiving break!

What are your tips for dealing with body image? Do you struggle with it, or did you in the past? What's your favorite thing about yourself?

xx

Angelina

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P.S. I now have an Instagram! Check it out here or below (:

back to school style: dark boho

I started school this week, but it seems like most of the Internet is still in summer! Still, back to school videos and articles have been popping up everywhere. I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon with my first post, dark boho style. I made that up. 

All these photos were taken by Serina of Serinaland! We had a really nice time wandering around, you can check out the other photos we took here. 

I love finding new places to shoot, especially when they're in unique, unexpected places. These photos were taken in a laundromat! Seriously envious of that amazing mural.

A few years ago, I tried to paint a mural in my garage. I sketched out an original idea, calculated how much paint I'd need, did a ton of research on what brand of paint was the best, and spent about $200 at Home Depot. I spent all of that summer painting, and then come fall and school, I just put it down.

I never went back to it, it just seemed like too much work to pull out the crusty paint cans, wash off grit from the brushes, and don my old paint splattered top. I see it everyday, and I feel guilty for not finishing it.

I guess it's inertia - once I start a project, I spend the whole day working on it, almost to the point where I'm about to collapse. But then I stop, and don't pick it up for long time.

Sometimes I get a little down about all the things I wanted to start or got halfway through. It gets me a little nervous - what if I spend the rest of my life half finishing things, and never really finding my calling?

First I wanted to be a ballerina. I took lessons when I was very young, though they were more for developing musicality than actual technique. I was impatient to start going en pointe, and when they told me it would take a few more years, I quit, and said I would go back to it. I never did, and I don't have the confidence to dance around in a leotard and tights now.

Then I got into writing for a bit. I kept trying to write novels (I was in grade school, and convinced I was going to be the next big thing), but I'd get a few chapters in, and have no idea what to do with the characters.

I went back to writing more seriously in middle school - no more stories about dogs and cats. I read The House on Mango Street by Sandro Cisneros, and fell in love with vignettes. They remind me of the writing equivalent of impressionist paintings, which are one of my loves as well.

I even had a short stint as an intern at local newspaper, but it wasn't for me. Too much time and energy was spent on finding "the angle" and makings sure I followed AP style, and I didn't have as much freedom to write about topics I actually cared about. Did anyone actually care about new parking laws? Or whether I put periods between state abbreviations? Isn't CA the same thing as C.A?

Apparently not.

Now fashion and photography are my loves. But there's always a nagging feeling, am I good enough to excel at either of these? There's such fierce competition in both fields.

Horror stories of fashion interns fetching coffee for months before being allowed to do "real work" float around, and these are people that have already gone to prestigious art schools!

For photographers, it's tough to make a living. Portraits are a luxury, not a must have, and people only need these for special occasions. Unfortunately, the need for food, shelter, and clothing happens a little more often than prom, graduation, and family portraits.

For now, I've still got time to figure things out. I'm lucky, unlike most people my age, I know I belong in the liberal arts. It's just a question of what exactly, and how I'll get there.

And on that note, here's to a new school year (and more back to school style posts!)

What other styles would you like to see? What would you call this style? What did you want to be growing up? How did you figure out for sure what you wanted to do?

xx

Angelina

p.s. see the some other photos I've taken here!

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