what's in a name?

That which we call a rose/By any other name would smell as sweet.

For a long time, I had trouble really taking this to heart.

My name was the first thing people noticed about me, the strangeness, how foreign it sounded. They couldn't figure out my gender based solely on it, and when teachers would take roll, frequently they'd call me by my last name.

It made me uncomfortable, to say the least. In middle school, I handed out little slips on the first day of school, saying, "Hello, my legal name is Zhiyi, but I go by Angelina. Thanks!"

I followed these with additional slips the next class, as a reminder: "In case you forgot, Zhiyi goes by Angelina". I was very thorough in making sure my classmates would never find out my Chinese name, because they would undoubtedly ask me about it.

I slipped up, and "Zucchini" became a popular nickname that year.

Wearing: J Crew striped silk tee (similar), Lush envelope soft pant (similar), Sam Edelman Felicia flats

Most people curiously ask how to pronounce it, and I simply tell them, "It's Angelina". I had this one teacher who would not let it go however, and interrogated me in front of the class. I was absolutely mortified, and I just wanted to sink into a puddle where no one would notice me.

It isn't that I'm ashamed of my heritage. It's just rare that anyone is able to pronounce it correctly, including other Asian people.

I was afraid, and sometimes still am, that what's on the surface will be the only thing people notice about me. I feel as though it will create a divide between myself and my peers, and emphasize the differences. Differences and diversity, of course, is a good thing, but it can also scare some people.

I'm someone who can't survive without friends, but simultaneously, it can be hard for me to initiate things.

Photography by Serina

It's all part of an ongoing struggle on my identity. I'm not a Chinese person from China, nor an American who grew up here. I'm Chinese-American. And I'm still figuring out what that means to me.

Do you have an "unusual" name? Have you ever felt like an outsider because of your heritage? How do you feel about your ethnicity?

xx

Angelina

In response to "Woes of Having an Unusual Name" by Noor Unnahar.

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p.s. - I'm currently traveling for spring break, and will be back in mid April. See you then! (:

quality or quantity?

Is it quantity or quality that matters more? It should be a straightforward question, with a generally accepted answer of "quality", but I don't believe it's so black and white.

Rooted in art
While I've been drawing and painting since I was younger, my progress has arguably been slower than many of my peers. Not that it's a competition, as art in and of itself is very subjective, but for most of my artistic endeavors, I would be considered a painter, or a drawer, rather than an artist.

I wanted to be able to depict reality as I saw it. The shades of the apples must be exactly so, the figure's hands should be as they seem, the bark on the trees is too uniform. I focused solely on the techniques, and creating grand masterpieces every time I pulled out my pencil. If it didn't work out with a few strokes, I abandoned it.

Wearing: Sanctuary Co leather jacket (similar), Lush white peasant top (similar), Bullhead high rise skinniest jeans, Sam Edelman Felicia black flats, Kimchi Blue allover lace scalloped bralette

Do it for the process
When others had already progressed from rudimentary portraits with barely shaded eyes and piano teeth, I was still refining that one eyelash. I went for quality over quantity, but it didn't help me improve. I stayed where I was, and my fear of creating something "low quality" kept me from trying new styles or seeing things differently.

Over time, I used my sketchbook as a tool instead, and stopped seeing things as "failures" if they didn't work out. I did it for the process, rather than the outcome.

How I've changed
In life, doing it for the process is a mindset that's vastly improved my mood and outlook. I value the process more so than the outcome, especially if things don't go according to plan. Memories of ended relationships are kept close for how they made me feel and what I learned from them, botched projects for what to work on in the future, "wasted" hours for taking a break or letting the line slacken for once.

Maybe quality and quantity both play an equal part in things. Quality should trump quantity, but without the latter, the former is difficult to obtain.

What do you think? Is there anything you'd consider black and white? Where did you go "wrong" that ended up being better in the end?

xx
Angelina

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photography by Serina

amplified existence - "big magic" book review

When a book comes out with an aesthetically pleasing cover, you get it, if not just for blog props. When said book is about creativity, and is written by Elizabeth Gilbert, it's an even better reason to get it!

While I definitely judged Big Magic by its cover, I was not disappointed in the least.

An overview
Gilbert separates the aspects of creativity into 7 parts: Courage, Enchantment, Permission, Persistence, Trust, and Divinity. Within each part, there are mini "chapters", a few pages long at most. She includes personal anecdotes, as well as stories of other creatives.

The way it was written is startlingly readable and fresh. It does technically fall into the category of "self help", but it had none of the sappy, easy to predict advice I'd expected. But I mean, we are talking about the woman who wrote Eat Pray Love...

"Hey Liz..."
It feels as though she is actually sitting there, talking you through how to be more creative - something we've all tried to do at some point. And it's not from her high up stoop as a successful and published writer, it's from the passenger seat. It's the kind of book that gives you tingles in your toes, and itches in your fingers, the kind of book that makes you get in your car and drive to new places.

I actually developed my own routine with this book; it became my constant companion while I was wandering through its creamy, white pages. I'd plunk the book on my desk, and ravenously devour a couple of chapters. Then I'd pause, make my way downstairs for a cup of tea, letting Gilbert's ideas really sink in.

Inspiration is fickle
Her ideas are like nothing I've ever heard before about creativity. For her, inspiration is a live being, a spirit who travels through the universe, like a nature spirit or nymph. It'll come to you if it senses openness and a willingness to try new things, but it won't wait around forever. Sometimes it'll come and drop an idea in your head, but the idea just won't be compatible with you. This idea might wait around, or it could pack its bags and head over to someone else.

After a few chapters, I'd sit and let inspiration come to me. Surprisingly, it was quite willing. I'd had a previous habit of denying its ideas quickly, judging them on the spot, and over time, inspiration would only peek out from around a corner. But after Big Magic, I welcomed whatever idea it was willing to throw to me, and I went with it.

Wearing: Topshop cropped sweater (similar), Lush envelope soft pant (similar), BP. teardrop necklace (similar), VANS white slip on

It was a novel experience, having ideas flow quickly and endlessly. I didn't question anything, I just took pleasure in the simple act of putting pencil to paper, and used that as my validation, rather than how "good" my art turned out. And it ended up turning out better than anything I'd created before.

A day in the city
I rarely venture up to the city, but when I do, it's a day of adventure and new sights. This was my first time at Baker Beach; I can see why it's such a popular tourist site. One of my favorite parts about San Francisco, and cities in general, is the wide range of people there. There is so much creativity and innovation, it's bound to rub off right?


The takeaway
Elizabeth Gilbert is wise. I love what I've been able to do since, just keeping these ideas in the back of my head (inspiration is always at the front of the table as thanks):

*Don't turn inspiration away, even if you don't like what it's telling you
*Take pleasure in creating art, not just the art itself
*Some ideas may not be right for you; thank them and let them go
*Don't be a "starving artist", love your art and it will love you
*Treat you art like an affair - you can definitely make time for it everyday
*Fear is healthy, to a certain extent

Without a doubt, this is a book well worth your time. And really, it's not just because of the pretty cover.

Have you read Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert? What's your take on living creatively? Where do you get inspiration from?

xx
Angelina

p.s. I've got more book reviews! Books by strong women or art/photography/fashion books.
p.p.s. here's a more creative piece I wrote and really liked. it's on idealization, and how I feel about it. let me know what you think of it!

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photography by Serina

by the ideal that we live

Smoothed wrinkles, age dialed back, features perfected. Idealization is rooted in art, especially in Classical Greco-Roman. Like the marble busts and dynamic statues, idealization too, has withstood the test of time. 

It lives in me. I walk the line between idealizing those I admire, and simply admiring them. Sometimes admiration turns into something darker.

I slip through phases, changing my mind about who to become as I meet new people personally, online, or the alternate universe of literature. I fill in the gaps of what I don't know, painting a shimmery, pastel coat over it all. 

But what's underneath eludes me. Those people aren't me. I've only earned a look at their pristine cover, perhaps a peek at the first few pages. Rarely deeper, where the plot starts to twist and turn, and their monsters come out of the shadows. I simply see their exterior they choose to present, or even the exterior the author has chosen to create. 

Wearing: Kimchi Blue Bella gray sweater (similar), Sammydress retro style high waisted skirt*, MICHAEL Michael Kors black kitten heel pump

In the moment, it's difficult to remember. I'm naturally competitive, and admiration and awe can quickly turn into jealousy if I don't control it and keep myself in check. Does she have better clothes than me? Why doesn't he struggle as much as I do in this class? How does she have such clear skin?

And I'm pulled in so many diverging directions, influenced by the myriad of people who seem to have more than I do. 

Wearing: Zara Kids suede cowboy boot (similar)

I'll want to be a free spirit, who is capable of quick forgiveness, who doesn't hold a grudge, and knows who she is. I'll want to feel secure in who I am, in what I look like, while simultaneously appreciating others as well. I'll want to trust that the universe has a plan for me, that the weight of my future isn't resting on my decisions today. 

Then logic and reality set in. And I'll want to climb, even claw if necessary, my way to the top. I'll want people to respect what I have to say, to know I mean business in what I do. I'll want to be remembered, to be the one at that party who needs no introduction, the one who elicits the sought after "I know who you are". 

Is it even possible to have so many characteristics crammed into a tiny, 5'3" frame? Or will I implode from the sheer force of the distinctive traits, tumbling around inside me?

A knock to the head, and I'll remember that these are just stereotypes, like the old Manic Pixie Dream Girl. These aspects I've pulled from those I admire are single facets of a large, complex system. Only in my mind have I constructed these intimidating, idealized versions. 

I imagine a city of glistening, crystal skyscrapers, when in actuality, there lies a colorful, welcoming village.

Do you tend to idealize people as well? What are the positives of idealization? Constructive criticism?

xx
Angelina

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p.s. I have a giveaway for sunglasses going on here! enter before feb 1.
p.p.s. if you're feeling up to it, I'd love to get your thoughts on the blog with a reader survey. thanks so much!

2016: looking back and ahead

The first few days of a new year are always a bit disorientating for me.

On one hand, I want to savor the past, look back on what I learned - hindsight is always 20/20. On the other, I want to look forward, become the person I've always wanted to be, make this year the one I finally achieve my goals.

So here's a little bit of both.

Since we've all surely been inundated with "best of" and roundup posts, I'll keep this short and sweet.

What I'm proud of:
1. Finally starting my blog! It was an idea that I kicked around a bit, and I'm glad I did it. It gave me purpose when I was feeling down, and I've learned so much, just sitting at my computer and clicking away, both about myself and how things work in other places.

2. Getting better at some resolutions I made a couple of years back. Being more fit is a common resolution for many, and I'm starting to make good on that - better late than never. I'm also sketching more, and not being as harsh on my appearance as I used to be.

3. Holding myself accountable financially, and generating more of an income through photography. I've always loved shopping, which creates a sizable dent in my wallet, but this year, 40% of what I spent was directly from the money I've made selling my clothes.

Wearing: Cooperative red toggle coat (similar), Zara checkered top (similar), Gap Petite black 1969 legging jean, Sam Edelman Felicia black flats

Improvements to be made:
1. Being more vocal and honest about my thoughts. Both in the class and in my day-to-day relationships, my inner monologue is far greater and richer than what I'll actually say out loud. This has contributed to my being seen as a quiet, Asian girl, which I've tried to rebel against with my hair and becoming more outspoken, but I think there's still a while to go.

2. Being more understanding and empathetic of others. I tend to rush to conclusions, and I don't think about what others are going through as often as I should. I hesitate to be labelled as "nice", because I'm afraid of what that will mean in terms of how others treat me, but I'm trying to find a balance.

3. Living in the now. At each phase in life, there's something unique and special to be experienced. I don't want to rush through the phase I'm at now, just because the next one has promises of a grown-up flat in the city or a cushy job. Not that those are guaranteed anyways!

Things I'm mulling over for the blog:
1. Bringing in other voices. Since April, this blog has been my own space, my personal soap box. But it's more difficult for me to think of what to write about, and I'm hoping to start some collaborations, interviews, and guest posts. Shoot me an email if you're interested!

2. Shorter posts. I tend to write a lot, even when I consciously remind myself not too. So I'm thinking of bringing in a shorter post at the start of the week, and a longer, typical one towards Thursday or Friday.

3. How much personal information I want to share. With connecting online, there's a fine line between wanting to be authentic and real, and needing to be safe. I've only felt comfortable sharing my first name and last initial, my face, and my general location. But I've been thinking about age, and whether that really matters - most people don't assume correctly, and I'm fine with that, but is it a vital part of myself?

I hope everyone's new year has been lovely! What things do you have in store for your blog or life? What do you think about the changes I'm thinking of bringing in?

xx

Angelina

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a look inside my closet + blog sale

I'm on break! Finally! Not that finals were that bad with the minimal amount of studying I did, but it's still nice to be able to sleep into till whenever. I took advantage of my free time to sort out some of my old clothes that I've wanted to sell and take pictures of them as well.

As I pulled out each article of clothing, I got a bit nostalgic. At one point, I loved all these clothes dearly, and through selling them, I hope someone else will love them as much.

shoes worn throughout: sam edelman gigi sandle in saddle, vans white slip ons, steve madden elusionl leopard d'orsay flats

abercrombie sparkly striped cropped sweater

All paths start at Abercrombie
My earliest love was Abercrombie. Of course it was! I cringe at how much I spent there, and the over priced sweatshirts and hoodies I've collected over the years. Now, I still shop at Abercrombie, but only the sale section.

They've come a long way since their earlier years, no longer carrying garish colors and logos across the chest, and instead stocked with minimalist and boho pieces, with the occasional ode to the earlier years with some colorful graphics.

pink bow crop top, truly madly deeply sunflower crop top

hollister navy highwaisted sailor shorts, house of harlow embellished muscle tank, black highwaisted lace shorts

How many likes can I get?

Then I became a fan of tumblr and Pinterest style - this was before Brandy Melville. It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't know, but the vibe is strong once you've seen it. Each outfit was carefully curated, and while none of it is as bad as my graphic tee/teen retailer stage, it's no longer me.

Some of it was bows and pink, as well as some more edgy outfits. I still really like some of these comfy summer tops, but they're just hard to pair with other things. I end up only wearing them with the same pair of shorts, a few times over a season.

cream lace skater skirt, steve madden blue cell phone cross body purse, cream lace skirt

No, those aren't the same skirt
Up until this point, I was pretty opposed to skirts. I just didn't like how they restricted me, how I had to watch how I was sitting, and be limited to walking, maybe lightly jogging if it wasn't windy. Then I figured out how much comfier it was to have non restrictive fabric, and I fully embraced skirts.

White lace ones were my favorite, up until I discovered black skater skirts, and marveled at how they'd match with anything!

nollie neon pink cross crop top, bethany mota for aeropostale floral neoprene skirt

Rose gold's younger cousin
When a friend remarked on how I mostly wore "boring" clothes, I tried the bright and bold route for a while. Though I liked how empowered it made me feel, it was again difficult to match with, and I worried about attracting too much negative attention as well.

I've reserved my brights for jewel tones, so it's a little more mature, and I wouldn't feel as odd bumping into a teacher or friends' parents. Although I'm still kind of in love with my neoprene skater skirt.

brandy melville tan sweater, abercrombie patterned lace shorts, hollister flowy boho pants

No longer hiding behind the door when the mailman comes
Sometime within this era, I discovered loungewear that wasn't my ratty Target pjs or ill-fitting, but comfy sweats. Not that I've thrown either of those out. But on days when I'm in between wanting to look polished but not wanting to try, or going out for a few errands, I pull out these looks.

Along with boyfriend jeans, I've discovered a whole slew of bottoms that are cute and comfy at the same time! Who knew? Now I can eat as much as I want.

free people sheer lace top, chelsea 28 magenta silk cropped top

Why my closet is overflowing
I have no idea what to describe my style as now. When people I ask, I dole out a handful of adjectives: feminine, minimal, boho, glam, casual. It's a melting pot of styles, depending on the day. I swing between polished and messy, feminine and androgynous, glitzy and earthy.

It's one of the reasons I always have clothes I'm getting tired of, though maybe one day I'll manage to truly cull my closet. For now, the neat bags of clothes past is comfortably wedged in the depths of my closet.

Please fund my shopping (;
Almost all clothes worn in this post are for sale - hah see what I did there, now you've got to buy them. You can find them on my Vinted, as well as some more goodies, though I've also linked beneath each photos. If you message me and let me know you're from the blog, I'd love to give a discount!

If you're a little tight on cash, I take PayPal as well, since prices are higher on Vinted due to the commission fee. Or if you're outside of the US, and see something you really like, send me an email as well (angeeleena34@gmail.com)!

I hope I'll get to share some of my past loves with you all.

What was your favorite outfit (see more of them here)? How has your style evolved through the years? Do you sell your clothes? Holiday plans?

xx

Angelina

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p.s. Happy holidays! We're going the uncoventional route and celebrating Christmas through a family dinner, no tree or presents. Excuse the lack of festivities on the blog!

i'm basically wearing a fancy blanket + book review

While I'm unsure of exactly what field I want to work in yet, I'm sure it'll be related to the arts or fashion. Both are difficult fields, and I've been reading books by women I admire to get a feel of how they reached their goals.

Along the way, I dress for success with my fancy scarf, aka a blanket (and not just because I forgot to take photos of the books before returning to the library).

Introducing Sophia Amoruso, Diane von Furstenburg, Mindy Kaling, and Kate Betts:

#GIRLBOSS by Sophia Amoruso
This book blew me away, and it's one of those that leaves you feeling like you should go out and do something big! While Nasty Gal isn't one of my typical brands, it's undeniable it's risen in the ranks of mass retailers, and has quickly become a well known fashion house.

Amoruso seized opportunities along the way - she credits her success to a hernia. You'll have to read it to find the connection.

My Takeaway: Be aware of new platforms, be thrifty, be authentic and real.
Style: Autobiography, with a strong emphasis on how to become your own GirlBoss, and achieve your dreams.

Wearing: Forever 21 camel shawl, Hollister collared top, American Eagle jeggings, Sam Edelman Petty suede booties.

The Woman I Wanted To Be by Diane von Furstenburg
A beautifully written memoir. It reveals details about von Furstenburg's life that I hadn't known before; her mother, who was a Holocaust survivor, her own wild boarding school experiences, and the loves of her life. In contrast to #GIRLBOSS, this reads more like fiction, though it includes many historical tidbits, such as the rise of the first supermodels.

I found von Furstenburg's story to be reminiscent of a Gossip Girl storyline - full of drama, expensive things, and lots of attractive men. She actually married a prince, so it may not be a stretch to call her a real life Blair Waldorf.

My Takeaway: I didn't feel like I got too much out of it career wise, but it was fascinating to read, nonetheless.
Style: Autobiography, almost fictitious.

Why Not Me? by Mindy Kaling
How can one not love Mindy Kaling? Out of all the women above, I can relate to her the most, and her voice is more humorous. More than once, her stories made me laugh out loud, and garnered strange looks from those nearby - especially when there is hot pink text that proclaims "I have the Angelina Jolie of vaginas".

There are few women in general in media or entertainment, much less women of color, and Kaling has a TV show with her name! Along with Constance Wu, she's one of my favorites.

My Takeaway: Work hard and don't settle.
Style: A collection of stories and thoughts, reads almost like a blog.



My Paris Dream by Kate Betts
I have a bit of an obsession with Paris and the stereotypical French woman (I'm not sure if any of it is true for the general population). I love the natural makeup, the food, and of course, the fashion! As I've always dreamed of living abroad for some time in France, Kate Betts' story about her own time there was eyeopening and engaging to read.

Betts describes her first few moments in Paris, her journey up the corporate ladder, and the people she encounters in a relatable and thoughtful way. I felt like I was watching a movie similar to Boyhood. 

My Takeaway: Life doesn't always take you where you think it will. Don't be afraid to make hard choices.
Style: Autobiography, with a cinematic feel. Not lacking in the sensory descriptions.


A Rude Awakening
This comes as I had recently had an experience with a female CEO whom I highly admired. Listening to her speeches and interactions with others, she seemed like someone who was a great mentor and willing to not only open doors for others, but to pull them through. However, when I talked to her, that was not the case.

While I'm not taking it personally, it's a stark contrast between what I hope to be like should I ever reach a position in which I can help others, especially women. What's the point of being at the top if you can't help others at the bottom?

Kudos to me for not naming this post "Bop to the Top".

What are some good books you've read lately? Who do you admire? What do you think makes a good leader?

xx

Angelina

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p.s. my last book review post is here!