the best part about being alone

Spiders. Clowns. Serial killers. None of those scared me as much as being alone. It’s a touch ironic, as I am an only child, so much of my time is unavoidably spent alone.

The roots of being alone
But that’s not the kind of alone I’d go to great lengths to avoid. It’s the alone at lunch, alone when the teacher says “Pair up!”, the alone of being the 3rd person on the sidewalk.

When I was younger, I’d “settle” for people I didn’t genuinely like, just to avoid being seen as a loner, someone who was incapable of making friends.

Why was this instinct so conditioned into me? Why did being seen alone by my peers sound like such a cruel and unusual punishment? I still can’t figure it out, that hasn’t changed.

What has changed, are my feelings about doing things on my own, and being seen alone. I enjoy it more, and it’s something I look forward to after a grueling, long week.

When else am I going to be able to stop and smell the roses? To stop and appreciate the view for just the right amount of time? To sit in my room, in a comfy shirt and no bra?

Wearing: Forever 21 Tan Top (similar), PacSun Bullhead Denim boyfriend jeans (similar), Vans Classic Slipons, Nordstrom Rack stone bracelet (similar)

The benefits
Actually, I digress. The things I look forward to doing on my own are entirely possible to do with someone as well. The right person and not just anyone, of course. It’s just something I haven’t found the perfect fit for yet, in our society that is always looking to the next 6 seconds, the next photo, eternally scrolling.

The other day, I had an itch to do something. None of the usual suspects were available, so I decided to go ahead at it alone. And I enjoyed myself, maybe even more so than if I had someone with me.

When you’re alone, all the little things pop out. It’s like someone’s turned up with clarity, the saturation, the brightness. You watch strangers, and mark out small quirks, spinning out a story. You can turn inward, and reflect on happenings. There’s no need to fill space with conversation.

It's something we should all try at one point. So this week, grab a bite to eat alone, and don't stay glued to your phone the whole meal. Sit at the park with a book and a drink. Or for the more daring, see a movie by yourself.

See where it takes you!

Do you like being alone or with others more? What's the best thing to do alone? With someone else?

xx
Angelina

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a word I hate

Lots of things drive me up the walls. Humble bragging, not saying "please" or "thank you", and backhanded compliments are some of them. But there is one word in particular that stands out:

"Sometime".

Where I hear it

It frequently comes up when making plans with others; "Yeah, I'd love to sometime". Okay, when is this, "sometime"? I understand using it as a polite way to decline, I'd do that as well. But I can't help but think that it shows a certain degree of indifference, like you haven't bothered to check your schedule, or are shelving in the back of your mind for a second choice.

Of course, taken out of context, my vendetta against the word seems a bit extreme.

Does it benefit you?
I believe that if you'd like to do something, whether it be seeing an old friend, finishing a project, or getting anything done really, tacking on the word "sometime" allows you to put it off even more.

Because when you don't assign a specific time frame to something, you can't hold yourself accountable for doing it. I said I was going to do my laundry sometime, and so what if I didn't do it today? Tomorrow still counts as sometime too.

Then, it can just drag on and on, where you start to reason with yourself, "Well, if I've made it this far without doing it, maybe it's not essential anyways."

But whatever it was, you wanted to do it for some reason! Things don't just stick in our heads just because; they benefit us or those we care about in some way. So really, you owe it to yourself or your close circle, to get on it.

What to do about it
Instead of saying sometime, assign a time frame. It doesn't have to be a date, but "next Friday", "when I get my paycheck", or even "before I retire" would work.

This summer, my list of "sometimes" includes: getting rid of 80% of the clothes I don't want, finishing my sketchbook, and regularly working out. I'm happy to say I've made progress on all of them!

What does your list of "sometimes" include? Do you find yourself using it to put things off as well? How do you avoid procrastination?

xx
Angelina

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first impressions of therapy

A month or so ago, I went in for my first therapy session. It was something I'd wanted to try for a while, but hadn't gotten around to it until recently.

While it can have negative connotations, I believe it's something that you should consider when you're feeling down, or just need someone to talk to.

Find out who + how
Therapy can be expensive. There are a couple of online alternatives, like 7 Cups, but I prefer talking and face to face interaction more. It's a personal preference though.

I started out asking my insurance company for a list of pre-approved therapists. I'm not completely sure on how the process may be different for other companies, but it wasn't too much of a hassle - of course I procrastinated until the morning of my appointment to do it.

What it was like
As I've only been to one therapist, I can't make any generalizations, but my experience was similar to what you'd see in a movie. I went into a calming, quiet room, where I waited by myself for a couple of minutes. Then my therapist came in and introduced herself, and we went into the "therapy room".

It too, was calming and quiet, with artwork and lots of books and games. My therapist started out with a brief description of what psychotherapy was (I gather that it's a lot about feelings? And how to deal with them?), and then some questions about what was bothering me.

I went in a bit of circular path, but my real issue was my lack of "real" friends. It's been something that's bothered me for quite a bit, and it really hit hard last year, but since then it's petered out. However, it was still beneficial for me to go in and talk to someone who was there to help me sort my way through it.

There was quite a lot of "And how does that make you feel?"s, and also pauses, which encouraged me to talk more. I was never interrupted, which does help encourage opening up more.

What I didn't know beforehand
You really do need to have something to work on, or be feeling negative. Therapists help you work through that, and without a "stumbling block", there isn't too much they can do for you.

They also don't tell you what to do. Instead, they ask you questions and help guide you to understanding yourself more and how to fix your problems (sounds like a bunch of spiritual mumbo-jumbo, but it's accurate).

I'd also strongly suggest scheduling your first appointment at the end of the day, because you don't know how you'll feel afterwards. I went in expecting to come out fine, but I cried and looked puffy, and would not have wanted to go back to school afterwards.

Wrapping up
I don't go to therapy frequently, mainly because my insurance only covers a set amount of visits per year, but also because I feel like writing on the blog is a form of therapy for me, and I can work out many of the kinks myself.

However, I enjoyed having someone to talk to, and it made me feel much lighter afterwards.

Of course, if therapy isn't your thing, I'm always here for you as well! <3

Have you ever tried therapy? How do you cheer yourself up when you're down? What's the nicest thing someone's ever done for you or vice versa?

xx

Angelina

p.s. next week I'll be writing about Egypt (last week was Istanbul!)

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what's in a name?

That which we call a rose/By any other name would smell as sweet.

For a long time, I had trouble really taking this to heart.

My name was the first thing people noticed about me, the strangeness, how foreign it sounded. They couldn't figure out my gender based solely on it, and when teachers would take roll, frequently they'd call me by my last name.

It made me uncomfortable, to say the least. In middle school, I handed out little slips on the first day of school, saying, "Hello, my legal name is Zhiyi, but I go by Angelina. Thanks!"

I followed these with additional slips the next class, as a reminder: "In case you forgot, Zhiyi goes by Angelina". I was very thorough in making sure my classmates would never find out my Chinese name, because they would undoubtedly ask me about it.

I slipped up, and "Zucchini" became a popular nickname that year.

Wearing: J Crew striped silk tee (similar), Lush envelope soft pant (similar), Sam Edelman Felicia flats

Most people curiously ask how to pronounce it, and I simply tell them, "It's Angelina". I had this one teacher who would not let it go however, and interrogated me in front of the class. I was absolutely mortified, and I just wanted to sink into a puddle where no one would notice me.

It isn't that I'm ashamed of my heritage. It's just rare that anyone is able to pronounce it correctly, including other Asian people.

I was afraid, and sometimes still am, that what's on the surface will be the only thing people notice about me. I feel as though it will create a divide between myself and my peers, and emphasize the differences. Differences and diversity, of course, is a good thing, but it can also scare some people.

I'm someone who can't survive without friends, but simultaneously, it can be hard for me to initiate things.

Photography by Serina

It's all part of an ongoing struggle on my identity. I'm not a Chinese person from China, nor an American who grew up here. I'm Chinese-American. And I'm still figuring out what that means to me.

Do you have an "unusual" name? Have you ever felt like an outsider because of your heritage? How do you feel about your ethnicity?

xx

Angelina

In response to "Woes of Having an Unusual Name" by Noor Unnahar.

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p.s. - I'm currently traveling for spring break, and will be back in mid April. See you then! (:

quality or quantity?

Is it quantity or quality that matters more? It should be a straightforward question, with a generally accepted answer of "quality", but I don't believe it's so black and white.

Rooted in art
While I've been drawing and painting since I was younger, my progress has arguably been slower than many of my peers. Not that it's a competition, as art in and of itself is very subjective, but for most of my artistic endeavors, I would be considered a painter, or a drawer, rather than an artist.

I wanted to be able to depict reality as I saw it. The shades of the apples must be exactly so, the figure's hands should be as they seem, the bark on the trees is too uniform. I focused solely on the techniques, and creating grand masterpieces every time I pulled out my pencil. If it didn't work out with a few strokes, I abandoned it.

Wearing: Sanctuary Co leather jacket (similar), Lush white peasant top (similar), Bullhead high rise skinniest jeans, Sam Edelman Felicia black flats, Kimchi Blue allover lace scalloped bralette

Do it for the process
When others had already progressed from rudimentary portraits with barely shaded eyes and piano teeth, I was still refining that one eyelash. I went for quality over quantity, but it didn't help me improve. I stayed where I was, and my fear of creating something "low quality" kept me from trying new styles or seeing things differently.

Over time, I used my sketchbook as a tool instead, and stopped seeing things as "failures" if they didn't work out. I did it for the process, rather than the outcome.

How I've changed
In life, doing it for the process is a mindset that's vastly improved my mood and outlook. I value the process more so than the outcome, especially if things don't go according to plan. Memories of ended relationships are kept close for how they made me feel and what I learned from them, botched projects for what to work on in the future, "wasted" hours for taking a break or letting the line slacken for once.

Maybe quality and quantity both play an equal part in things. Quality should trump quantity, but without the latter, the former is difficult to obtain.

What do you think? Is there anything you'd consider black and white? Where did you go "wrong" that ended up being better in the end?

xx
Angelina

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photography by Serina

by the ideal that we live

Smoothed wrinkles, age dialed back, features perfected. Idealization is rooted in art, especially in Classical Greco-Roman. Like the marble busts and dynamic statues, idealization too, has withstood the test of time. 

It lives in me. I walk the line between idealizing those I admire, and simply admiring them. Sometimes admiration turns into something darker.

I slip through phases, changing my mind about who to become as I meet new people personally, online, or the alternate universe of literature. I fill in the gaps of what I don't know, painting a shimmery, pastel coat over it all. 

But what's underneath eludes me. Those people aren't me. I've only earned a look at their pristine cover, perhaps a peek at the first few pages. Rarely deeper, where the plot starts to twist and turn, and their monsters come out of the shadows. I simply see their exterior they choose to present, or even the exterior the author has chosen to create. 

Wearing: Kimchi Blue Bella gray sweater (similar), Sammydress retro style high waisted skirt*, MICHAEL Michael Kors black kitten heel pump

In the moment, it's difficult to remember. I'm naturally competitive, and admiration and awe can quickly turn into jealousy if I don't control it and keep myself in check. Does she have better clothes than me? Why doesn't he struggle as much as I do in this class? How does she have such clear skin?

And I'm pulled in so many diverging directions, influenced by the myriad of people who seem to have more than I do. 

Wearing: Zara Kids suede cowboy boot (similar)

I'll want to be a free spirit, who is capable of quick forgiveness, who doesn't hold a grudge, and knows who she is. I'll want to feel secure in who I am, in what I look like, while simultaneously appreciating others as well. I'll want to trust that the universe has a plan for me, that the weight of my future isn't resting on my decisions today. 

Then logic and reality set in. And I'll want to climb, even claw if necessary, my way to the top. I'll want people to respect what I have to say, to know I mean business in what I do. I'll want to be remembered, to be the one at that party who needs no introduction, the one who elicits the sought after "I know who you are". 

Is it even possible to have so many characteristics crammed into a tiny, 5'3" frame? Or will I implode from the sheer force of the distinctive traits, tumbling around inside me?

A knock to the head, and I'll remember that these are just stereotypes, like the old Manic Pixie Dream Girl. These aspects I've pulled from those I admire are single facets of a large, complex system. Only in my mind have I constructed these intimidating, idealized versions. 

I imagine a city of glistening, crystal skyscrapers, when in actuality, there lies a colorful, welcoming village.

Do you tend to idealize people as well? What are the positives of idealization? Constructive criticism?

xx
Angelina

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p.s. I have a giveaway for sunglasses going on here! enter before feb 1.
p.p.s. if you're feeling up to it, I'd love to get your thoughts on the blog with a reader survey. thanks so much!

it's all Greek to me

A collection of things I don't really understand, from the inconsequential to the important. Because it's all Greek to me - like the columns (someone please appreciate my jokes).

In listicle form, since I've realized my posts tend to be very long and wordy. And I've been spending too much time on Buzzfeed lately.

Any and all kinds of makeup
I just don't understand it. I wish I did, since it seems like this magical experience that all girls can bond over - sharing makeup tips and struggles. But it just escapes me how to do things like that with my own face, which is odd because I think I'm a fairly decent artist, and makeup is an art form.

I blame it on the fact that on some days I have monolids, and some days double lids. Sometimes I have both. It's such a struggle.

The whole Mulan debacle
With the plethora of talented Asian actresses, I simply can't understand why Disney is even considering casting a Caucasian actress for the live action Mulan. I fully understand that strong leading female roles are rare and sought after, but strong leading female roles for Asians are even more scarce. It's like receiving a brand new textbook from school, or an organized Forever 21 sale rack.

Why is casting actors and actresses of the same race as characters so difficult? Why is diversity even an issue?

Wearing: Brandy Melville cropped grey sweater, Forever 21 skater skirt, PacSun necklace, Sanctuary Co leather jacket, BP. Trolley ankle bootie.

"Where are you really from? Like, are your people from Asia?"
I get that you're curious about where I'm from, but it doesn't need to be such a big deal. You assuring me that "Chinese food is like my favorite. I eat tons of sushi too." is not going to make me like you more.

I may be too sensitive on this topic, but I just don't understand this intense need to figure out whether I'm Korean, Chinese, Japanese, or whatever. My race or ethnicity isn't responsible for my actions. I am.

Tired of getting things hemmed
Dear brands that carry denim,

I don't think of myself as incredibly short. But every time I go shopping for jeans, I'm reminded of how petite I am. Retailers everywhere, take note, a 30 inch inseam is not short! And thank you American Eagle for actually fitting me well.

Sincerely, a 5'3" denim lover.

Donald Trump
Not only is he incredibly racist and ignorant, he's literally shared nothing about his plans for the country should he win the election. And it's looking like there is a chance he'll be in the running.

Why is this even a possibility? He's talked about a "Muslim registry", global warming being "made up by the Chinese", and incomprehensibly insulting towards immigrants. Our foreign relations would go down the drain, to say the least.

Who invented this "hiatus" thing?
I want my tv shows back, and I want them now! It doesn't seem right that when we have winter break and summer break, new episodes aren't running - though I'm sure those in the industry appreciate and deserve the rest.

But how am I going to go without How to Get Away with Murder, Pretty Little Liars, or Reign? I might have to actually be productive and get work done. The horror.

Holiday spirit
As Thanksgiving is today, I hope everyone has a wonderful time with your families! We're staying in with some close friends, and having duck. We've never been able to finish a whole turkey.

A few months back, I wrote a post on what I was grateful for, and those still apply today: parents, education, and a home.

What things are confusing to you? What are your thoughts on the topics above? How was your Thanksgiving?

xx

Angelina

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p.s. as I write this, I no longer have platinum hair! A post will be coming soon, but in the meantime, guess what color!

don't be a prick - thoughts on "being nice"

While it's already well into November, and therefore fall, California still can't make up it's mind. So I brought out my favorite white dress for one last day - taking it into fall with a dark grey Brandy Melville Caroline cardigan and bold lip. 

The angle
When sitting down to write outfit posts, I always try and think of an angle, so it's more engaging to the reader than the average "this is what I bought, here's where to buy it" type of thing. With this being in a cactus garden, "don't be a prick" came pretty quickly to me, and then I thought about what that means. 

I interpreted it as "be nice". 



Born selfish
 I have a weird relationship with being nice. On one hand, I want to be that girl, whom everyone likes being around because she'll always have a spare stick of gum or be willing to help out. On the other, I want to mean business, and let people know not to mess with me.

Naturally, I'm not a great person. On a sliding scale, I'm about in the middle, maybe skewing towards the left side a bit. I think by nature, humans want to be good, though sometimes through twisted means. We're born selfish, which has a negative connotation, but in this sense, I simply mean that our first instinct and cares are for ourselves. 
That's the way it had to work out throughout history; if we all placed others before ourselves, we would never get anything done and would have likely died off ages ago. 

Wearing: Abercrombie lace dress, Brandy Melville Caroline Cardigan, Kensie Hadin Sandals.

Thanks society
Most people are quite polite and well mannered in public, though I'm sure we all let loose a couple of f-bombs and snide remarks occasionally. Through our parents, friends, and consumption of media, we've learned what's right and what's not. With a growing moral compass, some of us stick to the rules, most of us interpret them, and a few of us are governed by our own set of moral values (Kohlberg's stages of moral development). 



Applying it to myself
Going back to my earlier points, most of the time I will put others before myself, more frequently as I've grown up. I try to be empathetic, to not burn down bridges, to distinguish between when I should say the truth and when to tell white lies. All for the sake of "being nice", and being seen as such. Also because I would prefer to have friends and not be alone all the time!

But to what degree is being nice beneficial - both to ourselves and those around us? 



Two sides
I would argue that a healthy dose of selfishness and candor is needed in all aspects of our lives. Being seen as or being told that you're nice can make you feel warm and fuzzy, but in many aspects, I would choose the ambitious, strong woman over the nice one. 

That's not to say that I don't value kindness and looking out for others, because I do. Some of my best friendships are with people who have these values. I believe that knowing when to display which traits is important, and that's good news since humans have been shown to be quite adaptive. 


In fact, I would say my main problem with being perceived as "nice" is that people will think I'm one dimensional, that I can be taken advantage of without consequence. I want to be both - someone who can be depended on to always listen, who remembers birthdays, but also someone who voices her opinion and stands her ground. As with most things, it's a process, and I'm figuring it out.

What did you guys think of this post? Do you identify as being seen as "nice"? What do you look for in others?
 
xx
Angelina

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the past 604,800 seconds

Since I started blogging back in April, this has been the longest break I've taken. It was only a little bit over a week, but it was a huge one for me. 

I haven't been in a great place mentally for a month or so. It's up and down, some days I'll feel normal, and others I'm in the dumps. One of the bright sides of this though, is that I've been thinking a lot. Primarily about happiness, and how to be happier. 

Recent feelings
Most of my unhappy feelings stem from feeling alone. Previously, I wrote a long, angsty post about how I felt, but it didn't feel right to post. It was one of those things where it's therapeutic to write, but after it's done, you don't want to ever look at it again. I'm also a little scared that if I read it, or think about it too much, I'll go back to the negative mindset I was in while writing. 

The short version: I feel like I don't have many friends I truly connect with. I am by no means "antisocial" or "alone", I just don't feel alive and truly happy with the people I interact with on a daily basis. While all are lovely people, I strive for deeper relationships that go beyond asking each other for schoolwork help or for the time. 

I haven't had one of those long talks where you just let everything out and talk for ages in such a long time, and I miss it. 

In my social circles, I feel easily replaced, like an outsider added in as a second thought. While this may not be too terrible for some, it's difficult for me as I used to be part of a tight knit trio, where things I said or what I thought mattered. 

I carried more weight, and I felt like I could depend on my friends. 

It was terrifying. It was difficult for me to snap out of my self-pity funk, and I could barely concentrate on anything. Even getting started or feeling motivated to do anything was more difficult than going outside and voluntarily exercising. 

The only STEM field I'd be interested in
After a considerable amount of moping and tears, I got to being a bit more productive. We'd recently begun discussing psychology in English as prep for a book we're reading, and how the human mind works is fascinating. The chances of my being interested in other analytical fields such as engineering or chemistry are slim, but psychology is a possibility. 

Not just because I want to sit in a comfy chair all day and steeple my fingers while saying "I see. And how does that make you feel?" all day. Although it's tempting. 

When I read about experiments or theories, it's a bit like reading a horoscope. Obviously much more accurate and scientifically grounded though. I can see bits of pieces of the principles and rules in myself or those around me. It's like philosophy, but more tangible and easier to observe. 

My happiness, my rules (how cheesy!)
A slight digression - the Stanford Prison Experiment and the Milgram Experiment truly grabbed my attention, in a horrifying, car crash type of way. I wanted to stop reading about it, and I couldn't believe everyday people were capable of such cruel things, but at the same time, I wanted to know more. I wonder how the Stanford Prison Experiment movie is - if anyone's seen it, let me know.

Anyways, I started thinking about how silly it was to need my happiness to depend on an outside factor, something I can't fully control. I want to have the ability to be independent, in all aspects, and if I need to depend on others for something as basic as my happiness, how could I get through life?

But then, I couldn't think of any solid reasons or ways to achieve happiness from within. It seems like you'd have to be happy about simply being, and that would be a bit of a stretch for me to achieve. At least in the next few months. 

Doing my part
So with a bit of a compromise, I'm going to start actively finding happiness in the smaller things, in the simple things, in the non-human things.

If I don't need to wait around for a Prince Charming, I certainly don't need to wait around for happiness to arrive in an extravagant form. 

I'm also going to try and ask my friends and peers better questions and create more interesting small talk. Sometimes opening up and talking about things can be hard or feel out of place, but I think it's incredibly important to not bottle it up. I would have stayed at my lowest point had I not written about it, though I would have much preferred someone to sit and talk about it with me.

Learning from my recent experience, I want to always be there for people who would rather talk than write. Because if I really wanted to know about the weather, I could just Google it, right?

What next?
While it seems like I've gotten over the worst, I'm not completely myself either. I worry that I'll slip back down, and this time it'll be for longer and the climb back up will be more difficult. 

All of my thoughts above are part of a larger dialogue I've been having with myself about whether I should expect so much from my friends, and if the vision I have of "true friendship" is skewed by pop culture and the sociable personas presented by my peers. It all seems to personal to write about, but maybe I'll put it in my podcast. If I ever get that up and running. 

After the bad and the ugly, finally the good
To end on a positive note, a list of my happy things this week:

1. I got up early at 8am and powered through my checklist. By noon, I'd already finished my English essay, Art History reading, and cleaned up my room. I thought about getting up even earlier, but as I regularly get up at 6 for school, I thought the weekend warranted some rest. 

2. While I was selling photos at a fair yesterday, an incredibly awkward but somewhat attractive guy asked me for my number. I hadn't expected it at all, as I'm still getting over a cold, and a runny, stuffed up nose is not too attractive, but it was a nice pick me up. He actually complimented my laptop, saying it was "very unique and sleek" - it's just a grey Mac Pro!

3. I'm finally back on the blog! I have a few meet ups and photos scheduled, so hopefully you'll be hearing from me more. I'm still gathering ideas though, and would love to hear your input on what you'd like to see next. 

Thank you for sticking with me during the week that just wouldn't end. 

Have you ever felt really low? How'd you get out of it? What are some happy moments of yours? What would you like to see next on the blog?

xx

Angelina

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pssst! the title inspiration? “For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” 

― Ralph Waldo Emerson